Melodie CampbellOkay, so it’s rerun season.  Does that mean we have to settle for absolutely brainless TV?  Are we doomed to watching mindless nighttime reruns of Friends and Family Guy on sixteen different channels in forty languages?  Of course not!  We can watch mindless reality shows!

But for those of you who are sick of reality and long for some realistic sex and violence on television, this is for you.  In the lofty traditions of Dallas, Dynasty and Desperate Housewives, make way for…      TRAVESTY!

Note the originality of the plot.  (Hey, it’s rerun season!)

INTERIOR.  A pink frilly bedroom.  Daytime.  An attractive young woman in full makeup and Victoria’s Secret underwear reclines on the bed, moaning fatuously.  An older man kneels by her side, wringing his well-manicured hands.

Lance:  “Tell me April, I gotta know.  Is the baby mine?”

April (in bed):  “Oh Lance!  Oh Lance! <sob!> …what baby?”

Michael enters the room.

Michael:  “April honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”

April:  “No – <sob> – not-“

Michael nods.

April:  “You?  And Lance?”

Lance:  “OH-MY-GOD”

Michael:  “And your mother’s been hit by a beer truck, and the boutique has burnt down.”

April (standing up in bed): “THE BOUTIQUE?”

Michael:  “We saved the clothes, but the jewelry was a meltdown. Sorry.”

April (clutching throat):  “I can’t take it anymore! This is too much for one day.”

Michael:  “And it’s only 8 a.m.”

Lance (clearing throat):  “About your mother…”

April (collapsing on bed):  “OH-MY-GOD, MOTHER!  She hated beer.”

Lance:  “I have something to tell you…”

April (to director):  “Do I faint now?”

Lance:  “…she’s actually not your mother…”

Michael:  “WHAT?”

April:  “You mean-“

Lance:  “Yes.  I am”

<gasps all around>

Michael:  “That trip to Sweden…?”

Lance:  “Yes.”

Michael:  “LANA?”

Lance:  “Yes.”

Michael:  “But didn’t we…?”

Lance:  “Yes.”

Director (to April):  “You can faint now.”

Everyone faints.

Rowena Through the Wall by Melanie CampbellStay tuned next week for more riveting drama, when April asks the question, “How do you tell if blue cheese is bad?”

Like this humor?   Don’t miss: Rowena Through the Wall, the comic time travel novel by Melodie Campbell

“Is that a broadsword on your belt, or are you just glad to see me?”

When Rowena falls through her classroom wall into a medieval world, she doesn’t count on being kidnapped – not once, but twice, dammit – and the stakes get higher as the men get hotter. Good thing she can go back through the wall when she wants to…or can she?

Melodie Campbell got her start as a comedy writer; she has over 200 publications, and has received six awards for fiction.  Melodie is the General Manager of Crime Writers of Canada.



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